but you see her on instagram and it was never really said that you guys aren't friends but one day she stopped answering and you stopped texting and it's not like the wound is a cavern but it's a diagram of what if in red letters. you want to tell her nice lipstick that's a good color but the last time you spoke it was stilted and awkward.
how do you say goodbye, you know ? it's not an unfriend and block kind of situation. but you watch the people you once loved go on and have a life and you're outside of it. and it's bittersweet because of course it's okay that you're both thriving. but she used to be who you'd call if you need to cry. she used to be who'd you'd binge watching the new series with. you used to be hers, in a way, even if that way wasn't permanent. and now she's someone else and so are you and your friendship is clicking heart shapes next to pictures where she smiles next to people you've never met. you know where her birthmark is. she knows where you've buried your dead.
the poets and the singers and the authors write about romantic love when it ends. but nobody tells you how to get over a friend. //////////////
watching a friend move on from you is like. i hate what you have. i want it for my own. you mean nothing to me. i love you to the moon and back. i never want to speak to you again. why won't you just talk to me ? it's all your fault. what did i do wrong ? i hate you for what you did and i miss you like a little kid. your new friends can choke. if i was more like them would you like me again ? i don't give a shit about you. did you ever love me ? i want to delete your number. we still share a few group chats and i use them to update you on things you like. i can't wait to forget you. i will always carry a piece of you with me. and it's just that on loop ALL THE TIME //////////////
slowly disintegrating friendships are like. i miss you. i love you. i wish you so many good things for you. i wish for all the love u can get. i wish i was eating chaat with you right now. i hope we never meet again.
yes i would do anything for you. no i can' hold eye contact with you. i wish you goodness but i can't be around to see it. i want you to miss me like i miss you. i love how you know me. i hate how you know me. i wonder if we're thinking about each other at the same time. when did we become a thing of your past. why are all of our memories from so long ago, why is our history the only thing we have in common. your happiness heals. your happiness hurts. i love you. i resent you. //////////////
childhood friends are like open wounds.
um seriously ? like i haven't seen you since i was seven and i love you with my whole heart. we stopped speaking because you hurt my feelings and i sometimes look at that bracelet we shared. the is no healing. there is no going back. there's no knowing if they think about it as much. there is just nostalgia and aching when you walk past cherry trees. ////////////
i know your allergies and favourite songs and i was over so often i knew your routines but it's your birthday and i don't recognise the people you're with anymore and your dog stopped appearing in the photos and it's the first time i haven't messaged. and while it's painful to go from knowing everything to nothing i can tell your smile is genuine and i realize that though our connection was fleeting it was real and that will always remain between us. ////////////
a body count not as in homicide nor as in sexuality but as in the trail of people from my childhood and adolescence i should've been a better friend to and taken better care of but i was too busy being caught up in my own heartache to recognize their own and therefore our relationship tapered off in an extremely unsatisfying way that continuously manifests itself as a thrumming sense of grief in my chest. anyway, what restaurant chains have the best free pre-meal bread ? //////////
i lost my best friend 3 years ago - not lost as in dead but lost as in we only text each other on our birthdays now. movies and books don't tell you that a friendship dying is like the sinking of a ship, you try to get higher and higher and hold onto the rails and unanswered texts, the captain tries to steer it to to safety and salvage pieces of two broken hearts until you're left with memories of what once was. We were friends for a decade and knew each other's diaries by heart, I still remember her phone number and the way she took her coffee. seeing her in streets is like breathing in a scent you forget you knew but it immediately takes you back to a summer in '07.
movies and books also don't tell you that friendships don't just end after one fight or incident, it's like the rusting of a bridge, the slow decay of flesh and bones and secrets. it took weeks, months- until one day i woke up and i realized i hadn't thought of her in a while. and i wrote a poem that day and i titled it 'the dying of a best friend' and i put all my love for her in a tiny box with my half of the matching pendant of a dolphin we had and stored them in a corner of my heart under the heading grief. where else can one hide unspent love?
it's been 3 years since i lost my best friend, lost as in i still carry our secrets in a tiny box but we only text each other on our birthdays. /////////
diciembre 8, 2022
4:09 pm
bogotá
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